I Have a New Blog!

I have a new blog! I have changed looks and decided to go more "official"..........

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The Best Teacher

I have been a student the majority of my life. Preschool, elementary school, middle school, high school, college, and then graduate school. I suppose that means I should be pretty well educated (as long as you don't ask me anything about history, chemistry, algebra, geometry.........and don't you dare bring up physics). I have had many impressionable teachers and I have been blessed with professors that took the time to not only help me, but to know me. I am blessed by the impact these teachers have had in my life. While I am thankful for the role these people have had, there is one person who stands leaps and bounds before all of them. He has been the most influential person in my life and has taught me more than any other about the things in life that really matter.

He is my dad.

It is ridiculous to even try to attempt to fill this tiny blog with a list of all the things he has taught me, or to even begin to explain the impact he has had in my life. There is just not enough space. But let me tell you a few trinkets of truth he has instilled in me....

Know the Bible. Don't just base what I believe on what someone else said about their stance on Scripture. I need to read it myself...........study it, know it. As I have gone through trials in my life he has pointed me to stories from the Bible. He has helped me to see how the Lord's truth in the midst of these stories applies to my life and my current circumstances. Knowing the Bible will help guide us through the trials of today.

Be honest. Even if it gets you in trouble..........even if it embarrasses you.........the end of the story will always be so much better if you will just be honest. Integrity defines you and it is never worth sacrificing to save a little face.

Look people in the eye. When you are speaking with someone, even when you are just listening..........always, always, always look them in the eye. This shows respect. To fail at this only sends a message that the other person doesn't matter enough to hold your attention..........don't be a jerk. Look em' in the eye.

Always pull forward at the gas station. Don't stop at the first pump when you stop to fill up the ol' tank, if the further most pump is empty you should pull up. This is among one of the simple things we can do to make things easier for other people. We should think about others first, even in the small and tedious tasks of life.

Always check my oil. I may be a girl, but I don't have to be a damsel in distress that relies on someone else to take care of me. Let's just say I am 17 years old and call my parents because my car won't start back up after I stopped at a gas station for a Sun-Drop after cheerleading practice. Now let's say it was because the oil was apparently drip-dry because the said 17 year old failed to keep an eye on her oil..........well........that would be her own fault. I'm sure her dad taught her better than that.

Know what's going on in the world. Not gonna lie.......I'm still not great at this. But my sweet Dad sure has tried.  He has taught me that I am responsible to know what is going on in the world we live in, and how it effects me. I'm a work in progress.

We are not owed anything. My dad is the hardest worker I have ever known, working hard since he was 12. He set goals and worked hard to reach them, never approaching anything in life with a sense of entitlement. If I want something, he taught me to work for it.............receiving it will feel so much more satisfying if I earned it.

Family is always there. No matter how crazy life feels.........family brings some sanity. No matter how beat up you feel from the punches of life........family gives you the support  you need to keep moving forward. When you are sad, your family always has some hugs waiting to cheer you up. No matter how lost you feel, your family is always home.

My dad means more to me than words could ever say. He has impacted my life in ways that have helped make me who I am today. He has taught me what it means to live a life of commitment to the Lord and to serve others. He has taught me what it means to live a life of integrity. He has taught me the value of hard work and the joy of earning what you worked for. He has taught me that family has your back no matter where you are in life.............they are the support system that will always be there ready to catch you when you begin to fall. He has not only taught me these valuable life truths...........he has shown me. He has shown me in the way he treats everyone who meets and knows him. He is kind, honest, gentle, humble, servant-hearted, and genuine. He is full of integrity and shows respect to everyone he meets.

I'm grown now (we won't discuss how grown) and am now married with two little girls of my own. I guess I have my own little classroom now. I often have flashbacks of moments with my dad as I'm trying my best to teach them some of the life lessons he taught me. I hope and I pray that I can do half as good a job as he did at being their teacher. I may be older and I may now have students of my own, but there are several things that will never change...............I will always be his most dedicated student, his classroom will always be the most inspiring, and he will always be my favorite teacher.

The best teacher.

Strut His Stuff

Piper has always marched to the beat of her own drum. It is a very loud drum........one that is probably neon pink with a zebra print on the side. And she would probably choose to beat the drum with arrows from her bow instead of the drumsticks because........well.........that's just how she would like it. She has never been one to worry about what others think. Not only has she never worried about it, she would confidently strut her stuff in front of anyone who even tried to say her outfit didn't match. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most adults we pass in Walmart judge me for having her shoes on the wrong feet. If only they could have been a fly on our wall that morning........they would have seen me try to convince her to let me switch her sparkly pink shoes to the right foot. But when she throws that cute little chin up and says, "I wike it wike dat," I always decide it's just not worth the battle. So judge away, Walmart patrons.............judge away.

There are countless qualities that I love about my passionate little 4 year old. But I have to say, her confidence in the midst of pressures to conform and her passion to beat that loud unique drum, are the qualities that I love and respect the most. I pray that she stands strong in how the Lord made her and that she never becomes influenced by the world around her. She teaches me so much through those mismatched outfits and she encourages me with that strut of confidence.
Being a pastor's wife, there are a lot of stereotypes as to what we are supposed to be gifted at. In fact, just the other day I was at a dental appointment. When the dentist saw that I was married to a pastor, this is how the conversation went....

Dentist: You are married to a pastor?
Me: Yes, I am.
Dentist: Do you play the piano?
Me: Nope.
Dentist: Do you sing?
Me: Nope.
Dentist: What? Aren't pastor's wives suppose to be able to do those things?
Me: I sure hope not.
Dentist: Well, I think if I were your husband, that would have been reason enough not to marry you.

I'm pretty sure he was joking (at least that's what I'm telling myself), but the fact is, he is not the first person that has said something like this to me. These talents and gifts are usually just expected of pastor's wives. I am here to tell you right now, the Lord's church at Fairview Baptist is incredibly musically talented. I am blown away each week by how the Lord blessed the members in their abilities to sing and play instruments. But if I were to show up at choir practice, or start moving my fingers on the piano, there would be an emergency prayer chain and a new committee formed to keep the pastor's wife busy so that she will not have time to test out her vibrato skills. It is just not my gift and it is not how the Lord wants to use me.

The hard part is being confident in that truth and not caring what others think. There are times that I find myself envious of pastor's wives who are able to live up to that expectation. Why do I let myself feel disappointed about not using a gift that the Lord never even gave me to begin with? The fact is, there are gifts that He did give me. There are passions that He did place on my heart, and a calling and a plan that He designed specifically for me. While I will never sing a solo with the worship band, I am blessed and excited to use the gifts that He purposely instilled in me. Piper encourages and challenges me to not be concerned about the expectations that others have of me, but to embrace the passions and gifts He gave me so that I may be used to accomplish His purposes ................and then I can strut His stuff with confidence.

Eternal Perspective

This has been a tough week.

While I feel the need to write that sentence, I feel equally embarrassed and ridiculous to claim this week as a hard week for me. You see, what qualifies as a tough week for me pales immensely in comparison to others who have had the toughest week of their lives.

I have been so overwhelmed this week by tragedy and loss of those around me..........some of these families I know on a personal level, and while I have never met others, my heart has been broken over what they are walking through. Children have lost their mother and now have to experience every milestone in their life without her. Parents have lost their young children and now have to go home to their bedroom to pick little toys up off the floor..........desperately wishing they could see them be played with one more time. This week I have been timid of turning on the television because of all the updated breaking stories that inform us of additional fatalities due to natural disasters. I have been overwhelmed. The Lord gave me the gift of compassion, which I am thankful for, and He has used this gift through His calling of my life. However, in weeks like these, it feels like a burden. I have struggled to take my mind away from these tragedies. I have laid in bed at night thinking about these sweet families, wondering how in the world they will ever be able to sleep peacefully again. As I drive down the road, I feel literal pain as my heart aches thinking about their reality.

I have been overwhelmed.

Weeks like these cause me to become emotionally exhausted. Not only because of the ache in my heart that breaks for their pain, but also because of my own personal struggles. These sweet souls are walking in the trenches of my worst fears. I am 100% confident that Satan, the author of lies, uses these tragedies to attack my weaknesses. Because my biggest fear is facing the loss of my loved ones, weeks like these cause me to struggle. I know that Satan wants me to become crippled by this fear, and if I'm being honest, a week like this one normally causes me to fail in giving him a foothold. I know that I do not deserve to be free of such an immense loss any more than these hurting parents who are now burying their children do. This week I have found myself continually kissing my girl's forehead as they slept, and as I've listened to them breathe I thank the Lord that I got to say bedtime prayers with them. Then, as I lay my head on my pillow, my heart breaks as I think about the parents who can't do the same. I don't know why these things have to happen. I don't know why parents have to bury their children, or why a little girl can never wrap her arms around her mothers neck again. But here's what I do know.......

God is still good.

In the midst of our heartache, He is full of compassion and comfort....
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3

When we feel weak, He will give us strength....
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Even though we feel forgotten, He has already promised to never leave us nor forsake us.....
"For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

He will carry us through our pain, wipe our tears, and restore joy....
"...weeping may last for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

In the midst of our fears, He brings peace.....
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

When speaking to a mother who just lost her child, I know that I have no words to offer her that will take away her pain. But what I do know, is that the God of all comfort is wrapping His arms around her and will carry her through her pain. He has not left her side and is holding her close as she asks Him, "Why??" He is there, in the midst of the pain, catching every tear that falls from His little girl's eye. While He never promised us that we will live our lives free of trials or heartache, He does promise us that He will give us the strength we need to persevere through them. Let us trust Him with every facet of our fears and every detail of our life, knowing that He will meet our needs with a love that is beyond all measure. May that trust give us the confidence to approach His throne with an eternal perspective, knowing that no matter the path.........He is worthy to be praised.

Tickle Nerves

I have always been a list maker, but when I had a baby my list-making skills went turbo style. Before every one of Campbell's well-visits I would make a list of everything I wanted to ask the pediatrician, usually adding to the list in the waiting room. After we had several visits under our parental belt, Blue felt the need to "look over" my list while we waited. I'm glad it humored him, but deep down he knew that no matter what, I was asking every question on that list. However, there is one particular visit that I should have listened.

I still remember Blue reading over my list and emphatically saying "You need to take that last question off.". I dug my heals in the ground and reminded him that it was a valid question. As a mother, I was concerned and I wanted to hear what Campbell's doctor had to say about it. Once we were in the room, Campbell was examined and I began working through my questions. I can still see Blue's face as he heard me working my way to the last one. I didn't need to hear his words, his face said it all. "Please.........don't do it..........oh no, you're gonna do it..........oh man, here it comes......"

Pediatrician: Well, do y'all have any other questions?
Me: Yes, actually I have one more....
Doctor: Sure, what is it??
Blue: (expression of pure shame)
Me: Umm..........I was just wondering when her tickle nerves were going to come in??
Doctor: (blank stare and silence as she searched for words)

I had read something that said babies would not start giggling from being tickled until a certain age. As an analytical mother who studied her baby's every move, I started to become concerned that she wasn't "reacting" yet..........I thought it was a valid question. Clearly.............I was wrong.

Tickle nerves????..........I have no idea what I was thinking.

It's easy to spend an insane amount of time searching for answers. We search google, we ask experts, we read books, we reach out through social media..........we basically do not stop until we find an answer. However, sometimes we need to stop and evaluate our questions. I think back to questions that plagued me over the years. Questions that kept me awake in my bed at night searching for answers. Will I face tragedy? Will my kids get sick? Will I get to grow old with my husband? Was what I said at the that meeting today stupid?

The fact is, so many of these questions that keep me busy are 100% pointless. I realize now there are so many questions that I don't need to have the answers to. I can rest at peace in today knowing that the One who knows my yesterday and tomorrow already has the answers..........and I want that to be enough. I realize that me not having answers to some of my questions may be the Lord protecting me. I know that as I continue to seek Him, He will give me all the answers I need.

It's just up to me to ask the right questions, and lay down the futile ones.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Being a mom is hard work. Being a good mom is really hard work. Being you, must be flat out exhausting. I am blessed to be your daughter and have spent my entire life watching you and learning from you. Here are some of the things you have taught me about the role of a mom.......

A mother's job description is not only endless, but constantly expanding. She is a chauffeur, a chef, a personal shopper, a nurse, a tutor, a maid, a comedian, and a counselor. She is on duty 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There is no insurance plan and there are no paid holidays. Not only are there no annual reviews to recognize the work that has been accomplished, a mother knows that at least half the work that she puts in never gets recognized at all. She never clocks out and she never takes her mind of her job. She lives and breathes her job, because her job........ is her heart. Despite the hard days, and despite frazzled hair and brinks of mental breakdowns, her job brings her more joy and fulfillment than any million-dollar paycheck ever could. She holds this title with honor and is fully aware of the great responsibility that comes with it.

Having the energy needed to fill this role takes a Red Bull and a prayer chain in and of itself, but when you're a mom to a "curious" kid like me.............well, it takes more than an energy drink to push through the hard days. When I was little, you had to deal with a young daughter who not only lied to you about drawing on the China, but also blamed her sister for it. You had to face each shopping trip to the mall knowing that the same daughter would sit down in the floor upon entrance and take off her shoes, right before she hid in the clothing racks. A few birthdays later, you accepted the fact that your long days were not over. It may have been when you had to explain to that family at the beach that we did not actually live on a farm, and I did not actually milk cows every morning before school, despite what I told them with much detail. Or, I suppose it could have been all those days when you looked under my bed to discover my secret to cleaning my room so fast. As I grew older and the challenges changed colors, you rose to the challenge. Through bad attitudes and bad boyfriends, you not only kept up.............you never clocked out.

Mom, I want you to know that I get it now. Being a mother myself has opened my eyes to so many things............how hard you worked, how much you sacrificed, and how much you love us. As I now fill this role for my family, I just pray that I can triumph in the ever expanding boundaries of its description with the same flying colors. As I'm driving my girls to gymnastics, I think of all the times you shuttled me to every activity with your clothes somehow ironed and your make-up on. As I am shopping online for new clothes for my daughters, I think about all those times you drove me from store to store, all afternoon, to help me find that perfect dress. And by the grace of God, you somehow put up with me having the nerve to complain about being tired. As I am packing up our family to go out of town, I think about how hard you worked to prepare and pack everything we needed for all those week-long beach trips. When I clean the house to prepare for guests, I think about how much you did to prepare our home for holiday gatherings, while I just complained about being hungry. Mom, I want you to know...........I get it now.

I know there are so many things you did while we were growing up that we did not notice...............I want you to know that I notice now. I now realize there are so many things you did for us that we never thanked you for............I want to say, "thank-you". We were blessed to have a mother that always took the time to show us love through endless hugs and couch-time cuddles. You were always there. You never missed a school play or band concert, and you were my biggest cheerleader at every football game. As an adult, I am blessed to have a mother who has never stopped showing her love for me. You listen to me, you encourage me, and you are always there for me. Mom, thank you for the sacrifices you made for us and for placing our well-being before your own. We are so abundantly  blessed. Thank you for not only being one of the first people I call with good news, but for also being excited with me. Your support and enthusiasm in my successes have given me confidence, and your counsel and comfort in my failures have encouraged me to grow. It is my hope and my prayer that when my daughters grow up, the thought of me will bring a smile to their face. Because Mom, I want you to know, when I think of you............I smile.

I love you so much. Happy Mother's Day.

Love,
Heather

Balancing Act

Me: Now girls, when we get there do not take off running through their house, OK?
Campbell and Piper: Mmm'K
Me: And do not jump on their furniture.....
Campbell and Piper: Mmm'K
Me: And when they speak to you, you look them in the eye and answer their questions, OK?

This conversation that took place on the way to visit a family that had been attending our church had very little impact. Twenty minutes into the visit the girls were roaming into other rooms and attempting body flops on their couch. *sigh*

I feel like I am constantly needing to remind myself that Campbell is 5 and Piper is 3. It seems as though I am daily caught in a struggle of balancing grace and expectation. They are kids.......young kids, at that.......and I want them to be kids. I want them to truly relish that carefree perspective of life, run with their arms stretched out, and dance out all that energy that's about to bust through their seams. I want to show grace in the moments of wild commotion and loud squeals because, again, they are 5 and 3. Before I know it, their perspective of life will not be quite so carefree and they will be too cool to dance like no one is watching. I want them to enjoy being little girls. However, I also want them to have manners and show respect. I want them to know they have an expectation to say "please" and "thank-you", to make eye contact with someone they are speaking with, and to not do belly flops on someones couch with they invite you over for dinner. I don't want them to believe their age is an exception to the rule.........I expect them to be respectful.

When I lay my head down at night, my mommy conscious is saying one of two things. I either hear it saying, "You were way too strict on them today......ease up", or I hear "Woman, you need to get off your tail and get those girls in line". I visualize a balance scale with grace on one side and expectation on the other..........I find it to be such a struggle to have consecutive days when one side doesn't outweigh the other. I long for the nights when my head hits the pillow and I hear my mommy conscious say "Girl, you ROCKED that today.". Instead of tipping the scale one way or the other, I just pray for strength and conviction to have an equal dose of both.

If you were continuing to read this in hopes that I had some sort of an answer to offer you....well.... go ahead and take a deep breath because you are about to be really disappointed. I have no clue how to balance that scale. However, I do know two things...1) Not knowing the trick to the trade pushes me to seek the Lord for guidance and direction. It keeps me humble and continually asking the Lord for His forgiveness in the midst of my failures. His continual forgiveness reminds me to show the same mercy to my children. 2) My desire to find a balance and my heart struggle over the imbalances are a reflection of a mother that longs to get it right. I know that I will never be perfect, but I want my girls to know that the woman they call "Mommy" is doing everything in her power to hold that title as perfectly as possible. The blessed weight of longing to get it right only means that it matters enough to never give up trying.