Eternal Perspective

This has been a tough week.

While I feel the need to write that sentence, I feel equally embarrassed and ridiculous to claim this week as a hard week for me. You see, what qualifies as a tough week for me pales immensely in comparison to others who have had the toughest week of their lives.

I have been so overwhelmed this week by tragedy and loss of those around me..........some of these families I know on a personal level, and while I have never met others, my heart has been broken over what they are walking through. Children have lost their mother and now have to experience every milestone in their life without her. Parents have lost their young children and now have to go home to their bedroom to pick little toys up off the floor..........desperately wishing they could see them be played with one more time. This week I have been timid of turning on the television because of all the updated breaking stories that inform us of additional fatalities due to natural disasters. I have been overwhelmed. The Lord gave me the gift of compassion, which I am thankful for, and He has used this gift through His calling of my life. However, in weeks like these, it feels like a burden. I have struggled to take my mind away from these tragedies. I have laid in bed at night thinking about these sweet families, wondering how in the world they will ever be able to sleep peacefully again. As I drive down the road, I feel literal pain as my heart aches thinking about their reality.

I have been overwhelmed.

Weeks like these cause me to become emotionally exhausted. Not only because of the ache in my heart that breaks for their pain, but also because of my own personal struggles. These sweet souls are walking in the trenches of my worst fears. I am 100% confident that Satan, the author of lies, uses these tragedies to attack my weaknesses. Because my biggest fear is facing the loss of my loved ones, weeks like these cause me to struggle. I know that Satan wants me to become crippled by this fear, and if I'm being honest, a week like this one normally causes me to fail in giving him a foothold. I know that I do not deserve to be free of such an immense loss any more than these hurting parents who are now burying their children do. This week I have found myself continually kissing my girl's forehead as they slept, and as I've listened to them breathe I thank the Lord that I got to say bedtime prayers with them. Then, as I lay my head on my pillow, my heart breaks as I think about the parents who can't do the same. I don't know why these things have to happen. I don't know why parents have to bury their children, or why a little girl can never wrap her arms around her mothers neck again. But here's what I do know.......

God is still good.

In the midst of our heartache, He is full of compassion and comfort....
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3

When we feel weak, He will give us strength....
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Even though we feel forgotten, He has already promised to never leave us nor forsake us.....
"For the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

He will carry us through our pain, wipe our tears, and restore joy....
"...weeping may last for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

In the midst of our fears, He brings peace.....
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

When speaking to a mother who just lost her child, I know that I have no words to offer her that will take away her pain. But what I do know, is that the God of all comfort is wrapping His arms around her and will carry her through her pain. He has not left her side and is holding her close as she asks Him, "Why??" He is there, in the midst of the pain, catching every tear that falls from His little girl's eye. While He never promised us that we will live our lives free of trials or heartache, He does promise us that He will give us the strength we need to persevere through them. Let us trust Him with every facet of our fears and every detail of our life, knowing that He will meet our needs with a love that is beyond all measure. May that trust give us the confidence to approach His throne with an eternal perspective, knowing that no matter the path.........He is worthy to be praised.

Tickle Nerves

I have always been a list maker, but when I had a baby my list-making skills went turbo style. Before every one of Campbell's well-visits I would make a list of everything I wanted to ask the pediatrician, usually adding to the list in the waiting room. After we had several visits under our parental belt, Blue felt the need to "look over" my list while we waited. I'm glad it humored him, but deep down he knew that no matter what, I was asking every question on that list. However, there is one particular visit that I should have listened.

I still remember Blue reading over my list and emphatically saying "You need to take that last question off.". I dug my heals in the ground and reminded him that it was a valid question. As a mother, I was concerned and I wanted to hear what Campbell's doctor had to say about it. Once we were in the room, Campbell was examined and I began working through my questions. I can still see Blue's face as he heard me working my way to the last one. I didn't need to hear his words, his face said it all. "Please.........don't do it..........oh no, you're gonna do it..........oh man, here it comes......"

Pediatrician: Well, do y'all have any other questions?
Me: Yes, actually I have one more....
Doctor: Sure, what is it??
Blue: (expression of pure shame)
Me: Umm..........I was just wondering when her tickle nerves were going to come in??
Doctor: (blank stare and silence as she searched for words)

I had read something that said babies would not start giggling from being tickled until a certain age. As an analytical mother who studied her baby's every move, I started to become concerned that she wasn't "reacting" yet..........I thought it was a valid question. Clearly.............I was wrong.

Tickle nerves????..........I have no idea what I was thinking.

It's easy to spend an insane amount of time searching for answers. We search google, we ask experts, we read books, we reach out through social media..........we basically do not stop until we find an answer. However, sometimes we need to stop and evaluate our questions. I think back to questions that plagued me over the years. Questions that kept me awake in my bed at night searching for answers. Will I face tragedy? Will my kids get sick? Will I get to grow old with my husband? Was what I said at the that meeting today stupid?

The fact is, so many of these questions that keep me busy are 100% pointless. I realize now there are so many questions that I don't need to have the answers to. I can rest at peace in today knowing that the One who knows my yesterday and tomorrow already has the answers..........and I want that to be enough. I realize that me not having answers to some of my questions may be the Lord protecting me. I know that as I continue to seek Him, He will give me all the answers I need.

It's just up to me to ask the right questions, and lay down the futile ones.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Being a mom is hard work. Being a good mom is really hard work. Being you, must be flat out exhausting. I am blessed to be your daughter and have spent my entire life watching you and learning from you. Here are some of the things you have taught me about the role of a mom.......

A mother's job description is not only endless, but constantly expanding. She is a chauffeur, a chef, a personal shopper, a nurse, a tutor, a maid, a comedian, and a counselor. She is on duty 24 hours a day, seven days a week. There is no insurance plan and there are no paid holidays. Not only are there no annual reviews to recognize the work that has been accomplished, a mother knows that at least half the work that she puts in never gets recognized at all. She never clocks out and she never takes her mind of her job. She lives and breathes her job, because her job........ is her heart. Despite the hard days, and despite frazzled hair and brinks of mental breakdowns, her job brings her more joy and fulfillment than any million-dollar paycheck ever could. She holds this title with honor and is fully aware of the great responsibility that comes with it.

Having the energy needed to fill this role takes a Red Bull and a prayer chain in and of itself, but when you're a mom to a "curious" kid like me.............well, it takes more than an energy drink to push through the hard days. When I was little, you had to deal with a young daughter who not only lied to you about drawing on the China, but also blamed her sister for it. You had to face each shopping trip to the mall knowing that the same daughter would sit down in the floor upon entrance and take off her shoes, right before she hid in the clothing racks. A few birthdays later, you accepted the fact that your long days were not over. It may have been when you had to explain to that family at the beach that we did not actually live on a farm, and I did not actually milk cows every morning before school, despite what I told them with much detail. Or, I suppose it could have been all those days when you looked under my bed to discover my secret to cleaning my room so fast. As I grew older and the challenges changed colors, you rose to the challenge. Through bad attitudes and bad boyfriends, you not only kept up.............you never clocked out.

Mom, I want you to know that I get it now. Being a mother myself has opened my eyes to so many things............how hard you worked, how much you sacrificed, and how much you love us. As I now fill this role for my family, I just pray that I can triumph in the ever expanding boundaries of its description with the same flying colors. As I'm driving my girls to gymnastics, I think of all the times you shuttled me to every activity with your clothes somehow ironed and your make-up on. As I am shopping online for new clothes for my daughters, I think about all those times you drove me from store to store, all afternoon, to help me find that perfect dress. And by the grace of God, you somehow put up with me having the nerve to complain about being tired. As I am packing up our family to go out of town, I think about how hard you worked to prepare and pack everything we needed for all those week-long beach trips. When I clean the house to prepare for guests, I think about how much you did to prepare our home for holiday gatherings, while I just complained about being hungry. Mom, I want you to know...........I get it now.

I know there are so many things you did while we were growing up that we did not notice...............I want you to know that I notice now. I now realize there are so many things you did for us that we never thanked you for............I want to say, "thank-you". We were blessed to have a mother that always took the time to show us love through endless hugs and couch-time cuddles. You were always there. You never missed a school play or band concert, and you were my biggest cheerleader at every football game. As an adult, I am blessed to have a mother who has never stopped showing her love for me. You listen to me, you encourage me, and you are always there for me. Mom, thank you for the sacrifices you made for us and for placing our well-being before your own. We are so abundantly  blessed. Thank you for not only being one of the first people I call with good news, but for also being excited with me. Your support and enthusiasm in my successes have given me confidence, and your counsel and comfort in my failures have encouraged me to grow. It is my hope and my prayer that when my daughters grow up, the thought of me will bring a smile to their face. Because Mom, I want you to know, when I think of you............I smile.

I love you so much. Happy Mother's Day.

Love,
Heather

Balancing Act

Me: Now girls, when we get there do not take off running through their house, OK?
Campbell and Piper: Mmm'K
Me: And do not jump on their furniture.....
Campbell and Piper: Mmm'K
Me: And when they speak to you, you look them in the eye and answer their questions, OK?

This conversation that took place on the way to visit a family that had been attending our church had very little impact. Twenty minutes into the visit the girls were roaming into other rooms and attempting body flops on their couch. *sigh*

I feel like I am constantly needing to remind myself that Campbell is 5 and Piper is 3. It seems as though I am daily caught in a struggle of balancing grace and expectation. They are kids.......young kids, at that.......and I want them to be kids. I want them to truly relish that carefree perspective of life, run with their arms stretched out, and dance out all that energy that's about to bust through their seams. I want to show grace in the moments of wild commotion and loud squeals because, again, they are 5 and 3. Before I know it, their perspective of life will not be quite so carefree and they will be too cool to dance like no one is watching. I want them to enjoy being little girls. However, I also want them to have manners and show respect. I want them to know they have an expectation to say "please" and "thank-you", to make eye contact with someone they are speaking with, and to not do belly flops on someones couch with they invite you over for dinner. I don't want them to believe their age is an exception to the rule.........I expect them to be respectful.

When I lay my head down at night, my mommy conscious is saying one of two things. I either hear it saying, "You were way too strict on them today......ease up", or I hear "Woman, you need to get off your tail and get those girls in line". I visualize a balance scale with grace on one side and expectation on the other..........I find it to be such a struggle to have consecutive days when one side doesn't outweigh the other. I long for the nights when my head hits the pillow and I hear my mommy conscious say "Girl, you ROCKED that today.". Instead of tipping the scale one way or the other, I just pray for strength and conviction to have an equal dose of both.

If you were continuing to read this in hopes that I had some sort of an answer to offer you....well.... go ahead and take a deep breath because you are about to be really disappointed. I have no clue how to balance that scale. However, I do know two things...1) Not knowing the trick to the trade pushes me to seek the Lord for guidance and direction. It keeps me humble and continually asking the Lord for His forgiveness in the midst of my failures. His continual forgiveness reminds me to show the same mercy to my children. 2) My desire to find a balance and my heart struggle over the imbalances are a reflection of a mother that longs to get it right. I know that I will never be perfect, but I want my girls to know that the woman they call "Mommy" is doing everything in her power to hold that title as perfectly as possible. The blessed weight of longing to get it right only means that it matters enough to never give up trying.