Outstretched Hands

Campbell had her first seizure when she was thirteen months old. Even though that scary day happened almost 5 years ago, the visual of seeing your baby girl's eyes roll back in her head, her body turn white, and her lips turn blue is a picture that 5 years can't even begin to blur. I remember adamantly wanting to know why........I wanted to know why it happened, what I could to do protect her, and what they were going to do to prevent it from happening again. I poured out prayers to the Lord asking Him to give us answers. Through appointments and through testing, she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder and we were told by doctors that the best case scenario would be for them to not have any answers to give us as to why she now had this diagnosis. The Lord's presence was felt and He revealed my heart to me. Instead of trusting Him, I was seeking to take control and believe this lie that I could shield her in my own strength from this happening again. My prayer was then transformed.....

Lord, I know You love her even more than I do. I don't have to know why this happened because I know it was not a surprise to You. You knit her together......You know the number of hairs on her head and every beat of her heart.......and I trust You. Lord, I'm still scared......but I know You are in control. I pray You give the doctors wisdom and that her little body will be free from these seizures. 

She faced several more seizures and then a couple of months before she was able to wean off her seizure medication she began having vosavagle episodes, which is basically passing out with post seizure symptoms following (pale skin, blue lips, etc.).When these episodes began, the fears and anxiety that I had during her seizures began rearing their ugly heads again. While I found some strength and clarity in the lessons the Lord had taught me, it was still tempting to get carried away with the need for control in a completely uncontrollable situation. Once again I was reminded that I will always be a student in the Lord's classroom.

The fact is, the Lord did not owe me a loving husband or two beautiful girls. He does not owe me their good health. Thankfully, He has chosen to bless me with these treasures. However, these blessings belong to Him...........I am just the one who gets to reap the joy of them. He placed these blessings in the palm of my hand and I am daily responsible to keep my hand outstretched to give the Almighty complete access to mold, mature, and protect His treasures. The moment I begin to tighten my grip and wrap my imperfect fingers around His gifts, I am choosing to not trust Him. The Lord has proven to me that not trusting Him is not protecting the ones I so deeply love and want to shield from harms way.

We all have pain.....we all have sorrow.....we all have heartache that will place us at a fork in the road of deciding how we will respond. I have friends and family who have walked through the trenches of my deepest fears, fears that fill my eyes with tears at just the thought. They have stood in utter despair at that fork in the road and had to choose a path.......the path of blind faith and trust, or the path of bitter anger and resentment. Neither path immediately takes the pain away, but only one leads to joy and freedom. Neither path holds a promise of no future pain or heartache, but only one leads to strength that will help carry you through the next trial. The Lord has used these survivors to show me a picture of strength and His blanket of love and comfort. While I fear being crippled by what the Lord carried them through, He shows me through their strengthened smiles that they chose the path of blind faith and trust. We are not promised all the answers as to "why" things have to happen, but we are promised that He is in complete control of every aspect of our life and He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). Despite how scary the trenches and the unanswered questions are, He has proven Himself to be worthy of being trusted. I am reminded that living in fears of tomorrow will only rob us of the joys He has given us today.

Lord, thank you for the undeserving treasures You have placed in my life. I pray for the strength to keep my hands outstretched, remembering that the gifts I hold belong to You. I surrender them to You, knowing that You alone can provide for and protect them perfectly. I ask that You give me the wisdom and direction to take care of them, and I humbly thank you for the gift of being able to wrap my arms around them today. It is my desire that I will love them in a way that leads them to trust in You.

Better Than My Daydreams

Today marks a very special day.

April 21, 1980 is the day Jeremy Blue Bryan was born. In my book, this day is a very significant day in history because the birth of this incredible man was paving the way for many lives to be touched, for the kingdom of God to be furthered, and for a girl named Heather to very happily say "I do".

When I was a little girl I would daydream about one day wearing a pretty, white wedding dress. To be honest, I wasn't in the least bit concerned with the groom.........in fact, I don't even know if that role even played into my daydream. As I got older, I realized this aspect of the scene was quite essential. This realization led me to begin wondering what he would be like. If I'm being real, in high school that really boiled down to me being curious about what he would look like and whether or not I would have a quirky last name. As the years progressed to college,  I eventually gained a pinch of maturity which brought with it the truth that his looks were not nearly as important as his heart. I began to daydream of walking down the aisle to my best friend and making a promise to someone who made me a better person.

It's funny how the Lord takes our daydreams and reveals to us that our imaginations can not even begin to compare to the beautiful plans He has predestined for us. Before I met Blue, I thought I knew what I needed.....I thought I knew what I wanted.......but the Lord showed me there was so much I didn't know. He showed me this by placing a strong, sarcastic, and genuine man named Blue Bryan in my path. While we did not exactly start off on the best foot, the Lord still had a plan for us.
A very close friendship was eventually formed, which blossomed into a dating relationship, which then blossomed into a marriage. Today, I am humbled and exceedingly thankful to wrap my arms around my precious family of four.......a reality that my daydreams could have never even comprehended.

There are many qualities about him that are not hard to notice immediately...............his good looks, his honesty, and his care and concern for other people. It's equally hard to miss how he carries himself in such an easy-going and personable manner. Quite frankly, the list of qualities that one might notice right away could go on for days. But there are also some qualities that those who have been blessed to have a friendship with him can all agree on. He is genuine. He is confident, yet humble at the same time. He is a strong leader and is easy to trust. There are also qualities about him that only I get to see..........qualities that bless me beyond measure. He sincerely seeks to love me like Christ loves the church. He is easy to submit to. He leads me gently, graciously, and without judgement. He knows that being a father is a gift and he loves our daughters actively with every ounce of his being. He is wise and strong.............but he is also playful, witty and far from being too proud to wear a tiara and fingernail polish if it will make his girls smile.

Blue has taught me a lot about myself. He has taught me to be confident in how the Lord has gifted me and to be bold in how He leads me to serve Him. He has helped me to like who I am and to be patient with myself. Most importantly, having Blue as my husband has allowed me to gain a deeper understanding of God's goodness. Through Blue, I have been able to see a picture of God's grace and perfect timing in my life. Through the Lord's sovereignty I met my husband. The Lord revealed to me that His ways are beyond anything I could ever imagine on my own. I never knew what I needed before I met Blue. Thankfully, my gracious Lord did. Today, I am in awe of His goodness in my life as I celebrate my amazing husband. Being his wife is a constant reminder that He is beyond worthy of being trusted and that His plan is infinitely better than any of my daydreams.

Today marks a very special day.

Happy birthday, Blue. I love you more than I love my own life.

Into the Sunset

#1 - Today was going to be the day I restarted an exercise routine. However, I woke up and saw that it was raining.

Nevermind.

#2 - At the beginning of the month I started the Whole30 Program (clean eating on steroids). I made it to day 14 and realized my name is not Barefoot Contessa for a reason.......momma ain't got time for all that choppin'.

I am currently drinking a cup of coffee with my Whole30-off-limits creamer.

#3 - I recently decided that I have to go to bed earlier in order to be more efficient with my tomorrow. I remembered that goal as I was up late last night watching a DVR'd episode of The Voice.

I'm still blaming The Voice for the coffee I'm currently drinking.

#4 - I often set my mind to being better about phoning friends that I rarely get to see or talk to. I miss them and I want them to know they matter to me.

I am also often reminded that I am terrible at managing my time for phone calls.

#5 - After Campbell was born I was determined to be at my pre-pregnancy weight before her first birthday (at the latest).

She turns six years old in August............let's just say I'm not there yet. And yes, I'm aware of #1 and #2.

My intentions are always good, but in so many cases I really struggle with the follow-through. Is anybody else out there in the same boat? To make myself feel better, I am just going to tell myself that anyone actually reading this is currently nodding your head up and down, saying "amen". It's possible that I work harder at justifying my reasons for "redirecting" my ambitions than I do at keeping them. For those of you superhero's reading this who laugh in the face of excuses.........put your cape away and settle down, Yes, I am fully aware that my failed attempts at goals and ambitions are a reflection of my own choices. But the joke is on you............I am making a new choice......

I am accepting grace.

I am one of those girls that will beat myself up when I fall short. While I struggle to follow-through with many of my goals, I struggle even more at accepting that I failed. The fact is, I'm not perfect and I never will be. I strive to live a life that honors the Lord, however, I know that I will never be without blemish or shortcoming. I want to please Him in the way I respond to my failures. While I must daily make the choice of striving to emulate His perfection, I must also daily choose to accept His grace in the midst of my inevitable imperfections. Failure brings conviction, conviction brings change, and change refines us to be made more like Him through the work of the Holy Spirit. While change without action is like a ship with no sails, I am encouraged to know that His grace gives me the strength I need to sail into the sunset.

Thank you, Jesus, for never being in short supply of that sweet, amazing grace. 


"But he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me."" (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Not a Typical Tuesday

 It started like any other Tuesday. I know for a fact it was a Tuesday because that was the day that Blue had staff meetings, which meant we did not talk to each other until around 5 pm.



We were living in a second floor, two-bedroom apartment at the time and the limited space made for interesting days with a 2 year old and 4 year old. It is understandable that the fact they shared a room, and their age, led to some dramatic scenarios (a.k.a. temper tantrums). Blue and I had exhausted all efforts when it comes to a successful mode of discipline. The only strategy that seemed to be effective for our mischievous and strong-will girls was isolation. However, because time-out in their room resulted in them pulling a Shawshank Redemption and busting out of their chambers, we had to turn the door knob so that we could lock them in. Don't judge.....it had to be done.....we discipline them because we love them. If we did not lock the door it was nothing but a good ol' game of peek-a-boo and ineffective discipline is a waste of time. Anyway, Campbell and I are talking in their room while I'm folding laundry when I hear the door behind me shut.......and then click.

She had locked us in.

I started off politely asking...."Piper, honey.....will you let Mommy out??" This led to no response. My gentle request soon led to a firm demand....."Piper..........Let. Us. Out." I apparently do not intimidate her. I began to panic because my phone was in the living room and it was a Tuesday......Blue wouldn't suspect a thing. Poor Campbell was my only companion to process my panic....

Me: Oh. my. word........we can't get out of here. Piper is lose in the apartment. What if she opens the door and leaves???
Campbell: Hmm..........oh no. Well, do you want to play Barbies on my bed while we wait??
Me: Campbell, don't you understand?? We. can't. get. out.
Campbell: I'm just saying we could play while we wait.

At this point I tried bribery......"Piper, honey, if you let Mommy out I will give you a sucker!" I could hear her little feet running around the apartment. The only time she paused was when she came to play with my fingers that were poking out from under the door, pleading for freedom. My bribes quickly turned to threats....."Piper, if you don't open this door you will be in LOTS of trouble!! Open it now!" These threats continued until the point I was shocked to hear her little feet run to the other side of the door and yell, "BE QUITE!!" Apparently, the words I always used when she was screaming at me in time-out just bit me in the butt.

I am not sure how much time had passed at this point, but I knew that Campbell and I were not making it out of there any time soon. Piper was nothing but a walking tornado and a flight risk being left alone in that apartment. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I looked out the window and saw a maintenance man walking through the parking lot, so I quickly slid it open and sat in the frame like Juliet.......

Me: (clearing my voice) Excuse me, sir???
Poor, Innocent Man: (looks around confused)
Me: (forget it, I'm yelling) Excuse me!!! Sir!!
Poor, Innocent Man: (finally spots me and looks at me like I'm crazy)
Me: Yes, hello! Well, you see......its funny (awkward laugh)......my 2 year old has locked me and my 4 year old in the bedroom...(another awkward laugh)
Poor, Innocent Man: (not laughing, just continuing to look at me like I'm crazy)
Me: I was wondering if you could call my husband and let him know that we can not get out??? He won't answer on the first ring because he is in a meeting, so you will need to call him twice......let me give you his number....his name is Blue.....

Long story short(er)........Piper eventually opened the door because she thought she was missing out on fun and Blue really enjoyed getting the phone call. I soon learned our story had spread, and I'm pretty sure the maintenance man still talks about the crazy lady in the window who can't control her kids.

Here is my point......

In those moments when you feel like you have absolutely no control..........you are right. When you feel like you are hanging on by a thread and are two seconds away from checking into a rubber-room......it's time to surrender. In the Lord's perfect grace and sweet mercy, He blesses us by giving us moments that keep us humble and dependent on Him. When we seek control we find chaos, and when we demand our own ways, instead of His, we find confusion. Through His goodness, He gives us moments of desperation to rescue us from the chaos and confusion. Once we surrender, we will find freedom.

I'm Telling Everyone My Weight

April Fools.

Seriously?? Did you really think I was just going to throw my "number" out here into cyber space for all to see? Well, if you did.......shame on you.

I will never forget the day that everything changed. It was two weeks before our wedding, Blue had just moved into our first home in Atlanta, GA, and I was innocently driving to work.........completely unaware of the phone call I was about to get.

(my cell phone rings)

Me: Hey, honey!
Blue: Hey, sweetie. Listen, I am filling out some paperwork for our health insurance and I just need to ask you a few questions.
Me: OK, what do you need to know?
Blue: Let's see.......how tall are you?
Me: 5'6"
Blue: OK.......how much do you weigh?
Me: Excuse me?
Blue: (silent pause).....um......how much do you weigh?
Me: Blue, you don't just call someone and ask that. This is a serious conversation.
Blue: (silent pause)......um......what?
Me: Seriously.........we need to sit down and talk about this.

Despite my udder shock at the boldness of his inquiry, I eventually had to open the chest of secrets because......well........I needed insurance. Never in my life had I willingly told anyone how much I weighed. Of course my doctor knew........but honestly, she was flirting with my backhand when she asked me to step on the scale. There were two things that surprised me on this D-Day of insecurity bombshells: 1) The number truly did not matter to him (in fact, I'm pretty sure he thought I was crazy), and 2) I felt so much relief to tell him.......for the first time I realized  and believed it didn't matter.

Women live in a world that tells us we have to look a certain way. I don't remember a time in my life this wasn't the case. Society tells women their beauty depends on what size their jeans are and what number the scale says. Weight is something that can control the mental and emotional state of a woman. It is heartbreaking. In middle school I remember being one of many girls already finding insecurities about our bodies. I cheered in high school and remember just hoping and praying I would get to stay on the bottom of the pyramid because I felt my thighs weren't meant to "fly". In college and seminary Satan fed me the lie that I would probably remain single until I looked good in a bikini.........and I believed him.

Then I had daughters. I always make sure that I never talk about losing weight in front of them. I never want them to hear me complaining about my body or comparing myself to Gisele Bundchen (she has got to be airbrushed anyway, right??). I want them to know what true beauty is, and I want them to see me living in that truth and being confident in it. The Lord has used my daughters to convict my heart of the fact that I have listened to the enemy too many times in my life. Beauty is not a number on a scale. It is not the number on the tag of your jeans. While it should be a priority to take care of the body God gave us, and to make our health a constant focus, we must not confuse this with beauty. I do not want my beautiful daughters to believe the same lies I accepted throughout my life. It is my hope that I will lay the lies of insecurity down at the Lord's feet, so that my girls will see me practice what I preach.

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Proverbs 31:30