Outstretched Hands

Campbell had her first seizure when she was thirteen months old. Even though that scary day happened almost 5 years ago, the visual of seeing your baby girl's eyes roll back in her head, her body turn white, and her lips turn blue is a picture that 5 years can't even begin to blur. I remember adamantly wanting to know why........I wanted to know why it happened, what I could to do protect her, and what they were going to do to prevent it from happening again. I poured out prayers to the Lord asking Him to give us answers. Through appointments and through testing, she was diagnosed with a seizure disorder and we were told by doctors that the best case scenario would be for them to not have any answers to give us as to why she now had this diagnosis. The Lord's presence was felt and He revealed my heart to me. Instead of trusting Him, I was seeking to take control and believe this lie that I could shield her in my own strength from this happening again. My prayer was then transformed.....

Lord, I know You love her even more than I do. I don't have to know why this happened because I know it was not a surprise to You. You knit her together......You know the number of hairs on her head and every beat of her heart.......and I trust You. Lord, I'm still scared......but I know You are in control. I pray You give the doctors wisdom and that her little body will be free from these seizures. 

She faced several more seizures and then a couple of months before she was able to wean off her seizure medication she began having vosavagle episodes, which is basically passing out with post seizure symptoms following (pale skin, blue lips, etc.).When these episodes began, the fears and anxiety that I had during her seizures began rearing their ugly heads again. While I found some strength and clarity in the lessons the Lord had taught me, it was still tempting to get carried away with the need for control in a completely uncontrollable situation. Once again I was reminded that I will always be a student in the Lord's classroom.

The fact is, the Lord did not owe me a loving husband or two beautiful girls. He does not owe me their good health. Thankfully, He has chosen to bless me with these treasures. However, these blessings belong to Him...........I am just the one who gets to reap the joy of them. He placed these blessings in the palm of my hand and I am daily responsible to keep my hand outstretched to give the Almighty complete access to mold, mature, and protect His treasures. The moment I begin to tighten my grip and wrap my imperfect fingers around His gifts, I am choosing to not trust Him. The Lord has proven to me that not trusting Him is not protecting the ones I so deeply love and want to shield from harms way.

We all have pain.....we all have sorrow.....we all have heartache that will place us at a fork in the road of deciding how we will respond. I have friends and family who have walked through the trenches of my deepest fears, fears that fill my eyes with tears at just the thought. They have stood in utter despair at that fork in the road and had to choose a path.......the path of blind faith and trust, or the path of bitter anger and resentment. Neither path immediately takes the pain away, but only one leads to joy and freedom. Neither path holds a promise of no future pain or heartache, but only one leads to strength that will help carry you through the next trial. The Lord has used these survivors to show me a picture of strength and His blanket of love and comfort. While I fear being crippled by what the Lord carried them through, He shows me through their strengthened smiles that they chose the path of blind faith and trust. We are not promised all the answers as to "why" things have to happen, but we are promised that He is in complete control of every aspect of our life and He "causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). Despite how scary the trenches and the unanswered questions are, He has proven Himself to be worthy of being trusted. I am reminded that living in fears of tomorrow will only rob us of the joys He has given us today.

Lord, thank you for the undeserving treasures You have placed in my life. I pray for the strength to keep my hands outstretched, remembering that the gifts I hold belong to You. I surrender them to You, knowing that You alone can provide for and protect them perfectly. I ask that You give me the wisdom and direction to take care of them, and I humbly thank you for the gift of being able to wrap my arms around them today. It is my desire that I will love them in a way that leads them to trust in You.